Every edgelord podcaster, shitposter and alt-lit critic needs to have a moment in their career when they turn to religion.
Years of covering cultural decline and staring into the civilizational abyss will do that to you.
For me, that time has come.
Finally, I am in touch with my Inner Child™. My heart is filled with Joy™ and Peace™.
Not only that, but I am so Happy. I feel like a room without a roof. (Clap along if you feel that way, too. If you feel like happiness is the truth).
My life has been transformed by one thing, and one thing alone:
Crocs.
Don’t laugh.
I know it sounds strange to proclaim footwear to be one’s Lord and Savior.
But, Crocs are really a perfectly suited source of hope and solace in our post-post-post Death of God-era.
For one, Crocs share many similarities with that other acclaimed transformer of lives: Jesus Christ.
Like Jesus, Crocs are both universally loved, yet, also …. hated and reviled.
Like Jesus, Crocs have their fair-share of naysayers. Haters. People who heap scorn upon their name.
But, despite this, millions are coming to Crocs.
Don’t believe me? Then please explain why Crocs are – according to this Youtube video, which seems highly authoritative to me – the most purchased product on Amazon.com.
Not only that, but sales for Crocs spiked 12% million percent in 2020, the year when God sent a plague on Earth. Is it a coincidence that millions would turn to Crocs at that dark hour? I think not.
But why are Crocs leading to Damascene conversions? What is their secret?
Allow me to read a few verses about this product from my new scripture: the Amazon.com Reviews page.
It is on these hallowed pixelated pages that testimony after testimony speaking to the power of this product can be found.
And no testimony is more powerful than Heidi Bumanlag’s, 2019 Amazon review “How Crocs Changed My Life” Size 7 Women Color: Lemon.
It was, in fact, this review that won over the heart and soul of this very critic.
Allow me to quote from our sister-in-Crocs:
“I will admit, I once was a hater. I lived a hateful negative life where I truly despised this footwear. But recently I’ve made many drastic life changes and these shoes have helped me see the light.
They have helped me to see the beauty of the world and give me the confidence to face whatever obstacles life may throw my way.
I can now walk outside with confidence. These shoes, these marvelous shoes, help me to live my life to the fullest with such comfort no amount of words can begin to describe.
I will now continue to live my life with an open mind.
No more will I live with my head hung low, but now I wear my crocs with pride.
Crocs have also been the glue that has bonded me and one my best friends. Crocs truly change your life and bring people together.
I will forever be indebted to this spectacular shoe.”
Readers, I pray that you hearken and take heed of Heidi’s message today.
Abandon your Godless ways.
Slip your feet into this study allweather shoe made of Crosslite. It is shockproof and absorbs 40 % more than any other footwear.
This scratch-resistant, slip-resistant, shock-proof shoe comes in all the colors of the rainbow. It is the perfect buffer and spiritual protection in these dark times.
There’s a reason why Crocs are the fastest-growing faith in America.
Are you ready to give your life to crocs today?
Don’t delay.
9/10
This rings true!